What Do You Think of My Poems?
Question by Tori: What do you think of my poems?
Rate each from 1 – 10. If you can, I’d like you to explain what you like/dislike about each one.
“My Home In Hell”
Welcome to my home,
It’s a little place called Hell
Why don’t you come on in?
You look a tad bit pale
Come dear, have a seat,
Would you like a cup of tea?
Hey now, don’t you worry,
It’s only you & me
What’s that out the window, you ask?
Why, it’s just a bit of flames
What, have you already forgotten,
You’re in a land of cursed names?
Alright, I’ll admit,
There’s some shady folks in town
Now don’t look so concerned,
Turn that frown right upside down!
What, leaving so soon?
I think that’s an awfully foolish move
Because then I’m simply lonely,
And you- well you’re just doomed!
Don’t act so surprised,
You’re down here, after all
Still, go on out that door,
Wait, look out for that- !
“Lights, Camera, Addiction!”
The media’s on the prowl,
For kids like you & me
They want us to take the vow,
Of sin & tragedy
Sex is the new religion,
& Vodka the anti-drug
You’ll smoke, if just a smidgen,
& they’ll smirk forever smug
They’ll pass out your prescriptions,
With no doctor on call
They’ll assure you with conviction,
Until you are enthralled
You’ll puke your little heart out,
Until you’ve lost a lung
They’ll know what this is all about,
But your song with go unsung
It’s sad that’s all you lust,
A life of plastic surgery & scandal
Gamble until you bust,
To bad your life has lost it’s handle
“Everything Is True Or False (Except You, Of Course)”
How can you feel that way,
When I am who I am?
I can’t be liked, I can’t be loved,
I’m the living, breathing damned
I can’t depend on you,
Or anyone, in fact
It’s something I simply can’t do,
Are you okay with that?
I always think I know,
Exactly what I mean
Until you come along,
& cause a mental scene
You’re driving me insane,
But hold my sanity
My thoughts run down the drain,
Do you know what you do to me?
You’re a crazy mind f**k,
A f**king of the mind
I’m sorry to say, that I’m afraid,
To sit back & rewind
“For My Pupper Master’s Convenience (Strings Attached)”
This face staring back at me,
This face, it’s not my own
This isn’t the girl I grew up with,
This is not who I have known
That face, it was so melancholy,
That face, it was so cold
That face held years of wisdom,
That face held pain untold
This face holds eyes that sparkle,
This face holds lips upturned
This face rivals naivety,
This face knows no concern
That face, it knew no sun,
This face, it knows no rain
Oh, This face, please release,
That face from all it’s chains
“The Sink or Swim Times”
I’m sending my love to Hollywood,
As I know I should
Giving my gratitude to New York City,
‘Cause the pretty don’t need my pity
I’m writing my way to fame,
To a life that’s not the same
I’m writing my way to a cardboard box,
Maybe I’m a bit too orthodox
No matter the addiction,
No matter the affliction,
There’s just one thing I’m insisting:
There’s a difference between living & existing.
Best answer:
Answer by oruboris
It’s a lot for one post, so you may not get many responses.
They are all pretty good, you definitely have some talent and it’s nice to see poetry that’s had some real effort put in. On the downside, they could flow better– I’d read them aloud a few times to get a sense of what’s working and what isn’t.
For instance, second verse of ‘hell’ breaks the rhyme scheme by adding an extra: ‘tea/worry/me’– that would be easy to fix. The language is a bit formal in spots, too.
‘Lights’ is the weakest poetically, but may have the most interesting ideas: definitely worth a re-write.
There are a couple spots in ‘Everything’ where you really seem to be working hard for the rhyme, which defeats the whole purpose.
“Puppetmaster’ is easily my favorite, the only thing I’d change is ‘rivals’ to ‘reveals’: both the sound and meaning are better, IMO [maybe this was a typo?].
In ‘Sink’ you’ve selected a difficult rhyme scheme, and it’s generally working well, but the extreme difference in the length of the lines spoils the effect: if it takes half a dozen extra syllables to come up with a rhyme, it almost doesn’t count, IMO.
Again though: you have talent, I like the work you put in, and all of them have strong points. If you could bring them all up to ‘Puppetmaster’s level, you’d really have something.
Add your own answer in the comments!
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