How Addiction Happens

Question by Kai: Maybe I’m a sex addict?
First I’d like to say I’m a 20 year old guy. This is hella random of me but I really do not want to ask some counselor or something so I guess I’ll try it on here. My parents think I’m a sex addict. My friends think I’m a sex addict. My ex girlfriend thinks I am and that may have something to do with why we aren’t really together, we’re taking a break because she told me I needed to get help & that she’d be there for me but that it’s best we separate for a while. I understand her though. I did cheat on her more than once & it kills me to this day that I treated her the way I did (cheating on her & saying I loved her because I felt like I had to, I didn’t want to lose her) . She does nothing but support me. She’s an incredibly sweet person & I wasn’t what I wish I was to her, she deserves better, lol I’m a piece of shit compared to her really! She has goals & stuff & I don’t want to slow her down playing my games, maybe I’ll get her later, maybe I’ll get better but that’s just it, I don’t really get the problem. I love sex. I just thought it was a guy thing. I mean I’m only 20. I’m always thinking about it if I’m not doing it whether it was her or someone else. I played with the thought of becoming a pornstar & even though I joked about it with my friends, secretly I sort of wanted to and kind of still do. I have been in plenty of relationships that were strictly sex & no love & to be honest it felt safer that way. Not having to tell someone you love them just to make them stay, even though I wasn’t ready to say it, I’ll admit I love to easy but I have trust issues. I was raped when I was younger & although it was handled, the police got involved & everything, my parents wanted me to move past it. They wouldn’t let me tell them how I felt about it. They kind of told me how to feel about it, telling me to forget it and move on. No one seemed to care enough to let me care. I tried bringing it up to my father later when it was just us & he got angry with me & demanded me to leave for a while. I did & decided to never bring it up again.

You see when I have sex I feel in control, usually the women & the two men I was with let me be the dominant one. If I’m not having sex or thinking about it, I’m replaying horrible memories. Bottom line, it’s just sex! Casual sex & if I want to have it nonstop why can’t I? It’s not causing any harm. It’s protected. I like it. I do not want to speak to a professional, I can’t actually speak these words yet it’s easier to type & I rather remain anonymous instead getting all teary eyed trying to explain this to a person in front of me. Maybe I’m an addict but why should it matter to anyone? It’s my body. And I get to decide what I want to do with it & not have someone take my choice from me, again. My parents are constantly on me about “getting help’ for my “sex addiction” but where were they when I needed to tell them I had nightmares & couldn’t sleep, when I resisted human touch they insisted I was just being weird, but I was terrified. They always try to control , & pretend like everything is so f******g perfect when it’s not. I’m not letting them tell me what to do with my life, I’m 20 years old, I’m grown I can do whatever I want. And sex is what I want. I’m so hella lost & rambling again. Am I an addict or are they being dramatic? Am I wrong? What should I do?

Best answer:

Answer by Andre
It sounds to me like you are in a lot of pain. From your description it sounds like you still have painful scars from the rape, and the way your parents acted was not in your best interest. It also sounds like your parents don’t know how to handle it, so it’s no use talking to them.

It’s definitely your body. I don’t advise you become a pornstar, the kind of sex pornstars have is pretty horrible. If you’re having protected sex with consentual partners than it’s okay. If you like it than don’t stop.
Ask yourself what your more long term goals are. Do you want to be in a relationship in the future? How will you get to that stage? Even if you don’t want therapy, try to find someone to talk to. Someone who will listen to you. Ultimately, it’s your decision, and your life. If *you* decide that there’s a problem with your own sexuality, then you can decide who to turn to.

Good luck.

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