How Addiction Happens

Question by blueydreamer12: How do I deal with my boyfriend and his crazy soon-to-be ex-wife?
Ok, so here’s the cliff notes version of the situation…

My boyfriend and his soon-to-be ex-wife’s history: they’ve been married for 3 years, together for 5 years. They’re entire relationship has revolved around drugs, hard drugs like oxycotin and heroin. She’s quite a bit older than him and they got married when he was 19 because she got pregnant with their daughter, who died when she was 12 days old. Horrible, awful history… I know. They do, however, have a son together as well, who just turned 7 months old. She also has an older son from a previous relationship that my boyfriend has not legally adopted, but the boy still calls him dad and stuff.

Before you judge, let me finish. They have both been in and out of rehab for their drug addiction and my boyfriend has been to jail. Currently, my boyfriend has been clean and sober for about 4 months now. He is in a program that tests him several times a week for drugs, as well as strict requirements consisting of weekly support meetings and counciling, and little things like curfew and other stuff.

Please continue reading if you still have an open mind about the situation.

His wife has been in rehab for about a year now and just got home a week ago. They cannot legally live together because of their drug program restrictions, and he was awarded full, permanent custody of their son at the last court hearing last week (she will be losing all her parental rights to their son and won’t be able to see him without my boyfriend’s permission).

Still with me? Read on.

Mine and my boyfriend’s history: we work together and have only been officially dating for a month now. I know, not long at all. He’s been really honest and open about his whole past and there have been no surprises thus far. Everything between us has been absolutely perfect… until she got home.

And what you, reader, have to understand about his wife is this… she’s crazy. Absolutely f*ing crazy. And I’m not just saying that. Her rehab center sent a letter home to my boyfriend that said she was doing well enough with her addiction to leave the rehab center and come home, but that she needed to seek mental therapy. I mean… she’s certifiably f*ing crazy.

This is the thing. See, the drug thing… I can handle. Everyone deserves a second chance and I’m willing to support him and help him through his recovery in every way that I can. I care about him that much. His wife I can handle, even though he thinks he needs to protect me from her because he doesn’t know what she’s going to do. I won’t get into the details about the stuff she’s done since she’s been home, but trust me… she’s out of her mind.

What I don’t know if I can handle… is his indecisiveness. He’s told me from the very beginning that he didn’t know what was going to happen when she got home. That he didn’t want to be with her, but that it was going to be hard. I guess she doesn’t listen very well when he tells her how he feels and what he wants, and he was afraid of her making his life miserable. Now that she’s home, he says he feels obligated to “see what happens” because of… God knows whatever reason he has in his head. His kids for one. His balls for another (he doesn’t seem to have any when it comes to her). He says all this… but still doesn’t want to lose me. He says he knows that she will screw up and that he wants to be with me and that everything will work out between me and him… just to give him some space to figure out how to handle everything.

In the meantime, I’m sitting here at home, awake at 1:30am, airing my dirty laundry on Yahoo! Answers… ha! I’ve given him a week of space now… no calls or texts (unless initiated by him) and I’ve been ignoring him at work too. This seems to work exceptionally well and drives him crazy (so he tells me) and we’ve hung out twice outside of work. I know they fight and argue all the time, and I know that he’s absolutely miserable because of her.

Sooo… how long do I continue to wait? My friends all tell me that based on what they know of me and him, they think he will come around and choose me but that I shouldn’t give him more than another week or two to make that choice. I refuse to leave him so I’d love to hear from anyone out there who can give me some other advice that I will actually use.

How should I deal with this??

Best answer:

Answer by Smitten
I believe you shouldn’t wear your heart on your sleeve with this guy. Although he may have good intentions, remember he has a family with this woman and history with this woman. Granted, she may be certifiably crazy, there’s always two sides to every story. If he too is a recovering drug addict, I’m sure he had crazy moments as well. Their relationship sounds toxic and has the potential to be explosive. Regardless of all that, he sounds like he still cares for her well-being. As he should because she is the mother of his child. I think you got in way over your head with this guy and you should end it. This is too much drama for the average person. This woman isn’t going anywhere and she will be in his life forever because of the child. I notice how harshly you judge her. Please keep in mind that you have only been in a relationship with this man for a month and you really don’t know him nearly as well as she knows him. I’m sure she can tell you stories about him too that will make you reconsider your decision to be with him. If there’s one thing I’ve learned in life it’s to be very cautious of ppl who constantly slams someone’s character. One can’t help but to wonder why. Ususally this is done to cover up their own insecurities. Although she has a shady past, this woman is trying to better herself and she is the mother of his child; therefore, she should be respected. If you are seriously considering staying in this relationship, you have a long road ahead of you. Good luck!

Answer by Mamour
Yahoo is not functioning right and I have to post again.
I read all you wrote.
What I am getting is that you are not realistic and you are into a domain that you have no knowledge of.
You are willing to give him a chance but yet think she is different ? Why is that.
Could it be because you think you will benefit from this, come back to reality it will not happen.
Right now you think you have the power by playing this game with him by ignoring him, say what you have to say to him and be done with this.
He is weak for her and you want to see if you can make it happen between the 2 of you and ignoring him, he has just got out of rehab and she is out also ? Do you understand that is all he needs to get back to her.
Stay away you will not come out a winner in this. you are NOT fit for this.
The past they have is way too strong for you to handle and do not think you will make a difference because you will NOT.
You are playing with a loaded pistol here, get out while you can.

See what you are against here = drugs, kids, wife, emotions, and fragility from both but especially his indecisiveness.
Be good to yourself and leave this alone.
Sorry I made this short but it is my second time posting.

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