How Addiction Happens

Question by Yoville S: What do I do about this marriage?
Well, to me my husband is wierd..he flipps out on the smallest of things.. for example.. yesterday we were supposed to go to the job fair. I woke up an hour after him because I was studying till 3 am. So he told me to wash my face, eat, put away my clothes and get ready to go out.

Well I did everything except put away my clothes, because I thought I would do it later, after we came back.

And that flipped him off, and i told him if you are gonna behave like that, go by your own.. and he just tore up all the paperworks..

That was yesterday..

Today he was saying, that marriage with you is hell. Because you dont listen to me..

I told him.. that he was wierd because he is flipping out on such a small thing..

so he was like.. we are not compatible, we will get a divorce sooner or later.. blah blah..

I jst dont know what to do..
I love him… but sometimes I cant stand him..
but he is a very important part of my life..

and he doesnt have anyone except me.. when i say that I really mean that.. no family or friends.
Yet he says that he is better off alone.. I think he is very dillusional. he is living in a fantasy world in my opinion.
should I go to a counselor?

I need this marriage especially right now, because I am going to be in a very challenging university for 2 years.

Best answer:

Answer by Phoenix Risisng
You’re in the queer section so not many here can tell you about heterosexual relationships, but I can tell you about control and power.

The key phrase you used is “marriage with you is hell. Because you dont listen to me.. ”

He is demanding control over you. This is at the core of all domestic violence. He wants power over you and he is stronger than you (as most men are stronger than most women). When you disobey him, his power over you is attacked and he becomes verbally abusive and violent (tore up your paperwork). This will only escalate until he is actually hitting you.

He will try to isolate you and cut you off from your friends and family (so you will be easier to control). He will tear at your self esteem so you feel worthless. Its not like he plans to do this, this is something that “just happens” and he probably doesn’t understand why he is this way. At his core he feels weak and powerless and you are the only thing in life he feels like he controls.

Whatever you do, please do not have a child with him. Men who abuse their partners will also abuse the kids and even pets. They will use them as pawns to keep you with him and preserve his control over you.

If I were you, I would find a way out, and the sooner the better. I know you love him, and in all probability, he also loves you. But he is sick and this kind of sickness never goes away on its own. Even if he could be convinced he needs help, domestic violence is as hard or harder to treat than heroin addiction or alcoholism. As a matter of fact, he probably has substance abuse issues as well even though you don’t mention it. Sometimes not, but usually this is the case.

If you do decide to leave him, be careful. That is the most dangerous time for you. When it becomes clear that he is about to lose all control over you, he will fight to keep that power and control. This is when most women get severely beaten or killed – “if I can’t have you then no one will” is a common phrase at this stage of the game. Escapes from these relationships need to be planned carefully.

I would suggest you secretly go see someone at a woman’s shelter in your area. I know all this may sound drastic at this stage of the game, but believe me this will only get worse. Please get help!

May God help you and send angels to protect you!

Also, often these men make you feel guilty if you leave them because they have no one else. Ask yourself why he has no one else… because everyone else has had enough of his BS and won’t put up with it. But you will, because you love him… I ask you, what about you? When he’s worn your self worth down to nothing and has complete control over you, how will that be helping him? He does need help, but its not you that can help him. You can only feed his sickness and enable him to get sicker and sicker.

Also, these men often become “stalkers” after you do leave. They hunt you down and harass you and try to either get you back or make you pay for defying them. Be careful…

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