I Said I Forgive Him, but How Do I Stop Suspecting He Is Up to No Good?
Question by S B: I said I forgive him, but how do I stop suspecting he is up to no good?
A couple of months before our marriage, in a moment of lack of self control, my husband sent nude photos of himself to a random girl who sent him nude photos of herself to him. I had absolutely no idea any of this happened. I happily pranced to the altar, truly confident that my husband loved and cherished me and was not the sneaky, disrespectful type who would cheat on me.
I knew he had a habit of looking at porn. I knew he looked at porn while we were dating (we dated for several years). He did not look at porn because I wasn’t putting out or because I wasn’t attractive (my sex drive is larger than his, and I take care to keep looking good and staying fit and doing whatever he wants in the sack). BUT, his viewing of porn was not “healthy” or “normal” because it was severely impairing our sex life. He couldn’t get relaxed without looking at porn first. He couldn’t get aroused without looking at porn first. He couldn’t get off period because the only thing that worked was porn, and his hand. Also, since porn took precedence over having sex with me, he would often expound all of his sexual energy and man stuff while watching porn and masturbating, thus not even trying to save anything for me (he told me that if he had previously masturbated during the day, then he would not be able to come later). So there I was, hot and horny as hell, and completely unable to pleasure him or interest him. And even if I somehow managed to get him in the mood, he could never come because he had already satisfied himself without me.
Since were heading in the direction of a serious relationship, and, not being one to avoid communication, I addressed the issue and told him he had to tone down the porn and masturbation thing. We had an honest and hopeful conversation that looked promising, because things began to improve as time went on. Instead of him masturbating to porn, he would watch porn (sometimes in secret, most often blatantly in front of me, or while I was sleeping) and then pounce on me instead of finishing it off himself.
This was an improvement, but I still resented myself because I simply could not turn him on the way porn did, and it was heartbreaking (even if I tried what those girls did). He said that he would stop looking at porn because he saw how it was destroying my self confidence and well being.
He toned it down. Our sex life improved. We were having consistently awesome lovemaking sessions. It was fantastic. I didn’t mind that he occasionally looked at porn, especially when I was away (finishing up a degree for two semesters, but the visits were frequent). I almost, ALMOST thought that maybe porn wasn’t so bad after all and that, like everything else, in moderation, it wasn’t anything to feel threatened by.
Cut to: a few weeks after we are married. He has gone to work and I am sitting at home on the computer. I am feeling rather randy and decide to find watch one of his porn videos to get an idea to surprise him when he comes home from work. (His porn was not hidden – it was out in the open. I did not do any snooping). However, I find the nude photos of himself that he clearly exchanged with another, equally naked girl who sent him photos.
So when was he going to tell me? Never. He came home that evening and I confronted him about it. Among his many reactions, one of them was, “I was planning on deleting everything, but with the wedding planning and the wedding, I never got around to it.” He never planned on telling me, ever. He said it was a horrible mistake which he will regret forever, but he had hoped to delete everything and make amends for his moment of weakness by being a good, honest husband. He said that he was working hard to fight his self-proclaimed “addiction” to porn and was trying to wean himself off of it. He promised me that he was bringing it down to almost nothing.
He cried. He sobbed. He begged for forgiveness. After many horrendously emotional moments and days spent blaming myself for falling short somehow and not being good enough, I said that I would forgive him. We both agreed that the trust thing will take some time. We both agreed that the porn must go for good because it is ruining what is otherwise a wonderful, loving and mature union of two people.
In the past year, I have caught him looking at porn twice. I have suspected he was up to something almost every day, but. I would think, “I don’t want to be the paranoid wife!” and force myself to think of something else. Just when I would start to feel like, “Wow, this is what it is like to trust him again!” I would walk into the room with the computer and he would be looking at something.
I don’t know how to not suspect him when I walk into a room and he quickly clicks out of whatever was looking at, or when he constantly deletes his browsing history, or when he is alone in the computer room, or when
Best answer:
Answer by Steph
Marriage counseling.
Know better? Leave your own answer in the comments!
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