Mother Is Insane; Lies All the Time, Shopping Addiction, Needs Help! Intervention?
Question by Loitsiva: Mother is insane; lies all the time, shopping addiction, needs help! Intervention?
WARNING – This is a LOT of information, I’m just desperate for advice. It’s hurting a lot.
A little background… My mom and I used to be really close. Like, sisters, best friends, almost. Up until the last year.
She was caught stealing at a department store and was thrown in jail. This was her.. 3rd or 4th offense. (I was only aware of 1 other one..) She was really embarrassed and it seems things went downhill from there. She had also just gotten dentures (she’s only 50) and I know that messed with her self esteem.
Because of the offenses she’s having a hard time finding a job, obviously. She hasn’t worked in 8 months now.
Last summer I notice she’s started using a cell phone my uncle gave her. She starts texting a lot on her phone, closing it when I walk over to her (she never used her phone before). I ask her about it and she says it’s nothing and that my Uncle was just seeing how she was. So it starts happening frequently and I’m getting a little concerned. He’s married to my aunt and I know my aunt has no idea how much they talk.
Now to my dad… I love him a lot, but we’d never been really close. We were fighting a lot because I got laid off and was at home all the time. Him and my mom would fight and it would always seem he would start it. He was just instantly angry/sarcastic/rude to her all the time. I tried to tell my mom to ignore him and that he was just a jerk, worked hard, etc.My dad and I had a talk and he filled me in on some stuff I didn’t know about my mom.. her arrests from 15 years ago for theft, outrageous spending, etc. He’s always taken care of her, paid the mortgage, etc.
My mom left her bank account open one day and I looked through it. It broke my heart to see how much money she was spending on jewelry and clothes. Her room is a mess. My parents don’t even sleep in the same room anymore because she has so much stuff. I tried to clean out her closet one day and found purses upon purses filled with trash and some receipts that dated back to 1990. Shoes with no match ups, clothes with tags, etc.
Back to my uncle, on the bank state it showed he had been giving her money. Thousands of dollars throughout the last 8 months.
Also, our house is almost under foreclosure. My dad asked my mom to help with house payments (for the first time in 20 years) and she bitched and wined about making ONE payment. She also bought a $ 1,000 dog .. literally. After saying she has no money.
Another thing, I needed to go to the doctors really bad while unemployed and she told me she had no money.
When I was home for a week straight she said she had all of these interviews lined up but I found out she was leaving for ‘work’ and coming back with clothes, jewelry, etc. Little things. She would leave big things in her car and get them later.. at midnight so no one would see what she bought. And then would hide it in her room, in bags.
Sorry this is so much.. my questions are… obviously, she’s a shop-a-holic and a liar but what can trigger this?!! I feel like I’ve lost my mom. The look in her eyes isn’t the same. She needs serious help. She lies ALL the time. If my dad or I bring up something dealing with her she automatically turns it around to be something about us. She lies about EVERYTHING now. Even things that are pointless to lie about..
Example: My dad made hamburgers the other night. 4 of them. I ate one, my dad ate one, one was for her dinner and the other 1 he was going to bring to work the next day. The next morning it was gone and after work he asked if I had had the other one.. I said no. He asked my mom. She said no and carries on to her room. He looked at me and asked me again and I promised him no.. (it’s the principle of it at this point) So she comes back in and keeps saying she didn’t have it. My dad kept asking me in front of her and I kept saying no.. (just to see if she’d admit it) and I faked some tears in my eyes because he started yelling… So! She seriously sat there, let him ‘yell’ at me, watched me ‘cry’ because she couldn’t fess up to having been the one to eat it! How sad is that..
My uncle on the other hand… I find out he’s paying for her phone, too – she let that slip. My aunt would FLIP. She called me one day and mentioned about loaning my mom money.. I asked how much and she said $ 200 (to make a car payment) .. That’s the only loan my aunt knows about…
I know this is really lengthy and if you’ve followed this through, thankyou. It’s just such an odd situation to have my mom, who I love so much turn into this huuuge liar.
Some watch even came in today from HSN and she claims she never ordered it and “it must’ve been a mistake, I’ll call them and have them take it back, it’s ugly anyways, I never would have bought it..” They don’t send something out unless you’ve paid for it!!
Agh. Any advice will do at this point. Should she see someone? My family has no money.. I can’t just leave her like this. I just want to get away
Best answer:
Answer by be our bee
Wow. That’s a difficult situation. I don’t really have a ton of advice to give you, but I think that first and foremost, you need to talk to your aunt about this. Call her up and ask if you can meet with her, in person. Explain the situation and explain that you do not want to get in trouble for coming to her. So you two will need to make up a story about how she found out. Maybe she can say that she saw a text message or a phone bill. Make up whatever story you want. Just don’t let her tell anyone that you told her. Your aunt will probably confront your uncle, and hopefully forbid him from giving your mom any more money. When your mom realizes that she can’t turn to your uncle, and she can’t really turn to your dad, she will probably do some serious thinking. Another suggestion is to approach her in a non-confrontational way. Ask her to be honest with you, and assure her that you won’t judge her. And you have to make good on that promise! I know it’s easy to judge her, but look deep in your heart and try to find some sympathy for her. She has an addiction. She has some void in her life that she’s trying to fill. Maybe you can offer to help go through her closets and find things to sell on eBay or to a resale shop. Offer to set up an eBay account or to take the merchandise to the shop. Be as helpful as possible, and remind her that these items can be sold, and that the money can be used for mortgage payments. I don’t know what else to suggest. That’s pretty difficult. Good luck.
Answer by Kat
You can’t help your Mother she has to help herself.You need to let your Parents talk about their problems without getting you involved.You have to walk away or go for a walk when they try to bring you into the situation.Your Uncle shouldn’t be telling you anything & you should not ask.Tell them at the same time you have enough problems they are adults & should work on their marriage & problems but you want nothing to do with it.
BE OUR BEE why r u telling her to go lie ?Get involved in her Aunt & Uncle’s marriage?She doesn’t need a whole new set of problems.hmm…
When you get a job(which I hope is soon for you)moving away from all this will be great.Then you’ll have to worry about if to take their calls or not.The answer is NO by the way…
If you do this & stay with it they will leave you alone.Unfortuently they are acting like the children & you are their Parent.That’s so… not how your life should be.It’s up to you to change it.
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